Archive for the ‘Musings’ Category

Work SUCKS – Part II

Posted: September 28, 2011 in Motivational, Musings

So, yesterday I posted about a whole lot of random things –

James’ possible impending visit in the new year!

The partnership I’ve worked so long for!

The new apartment!

The possibility of a baby for me!

Such great things!! Life is grand, isn’t it?

I look back at the past two years and I see so much change.

I see and feel my doom and gloom after Logan’s death, I see and smell my times of drunken abyss when I looked deep, really deep into the bottle, I see and joyously feel my addiction recovery (now, it’s only an occasional shot or four of tequila), I see the growth that I feel and I feel free to show that growth.

I’m excited about what the future holds, I feel happy – really, really happy.

I think – content is a better word.

Yeah, I’m really, unbelievably  busy at work but – I like it!! I like being busy, I like feeling like I’ve accomplished something at the end of the day when I go home. I love packing!!

Yes, baby!! That’s right, I’m moving. I’m saying goodbye to the home I shared with Logan for four years, I’m saying goodbye to all the lingering memories – both those that haunt me and make me want to cry and those that haunt me and make me want to laugh out loud.

I’m letting go. Really letting go this time and – it feels amazing!

I feel free! I feel lighter and happy and full of life again! I feel like I’m capable of doing anything, accomplishing anything, overcoming everything!!

I also told my parents, brothers and sisters-in-law about my baby plans.

It went down with mixed emotions!

Some feel that I should wait a little, that I should ‘make sure I’m not rushing into something that will have a huge impact on the rest of my life. A child is for life, Andi. This isn’t something to be taken lightly.’ And I haven’t taken it lightly. I’ve been thinking about this since Nik and I broke up – even before that. Maybe (and this I confess to you) I was kind of hoping that Nik would get me knocked up. Now that would have been something! Something seriously fucked up!

If you guys only knew. You see, Nik and I – we weren’t exactly ‘soul mates’. What we had was more – physical than spiritual. In all honesty, it was doomed from the get-go. I was just too fucking stubborn and needy to admit it. That, however, is all in the past. I’m moving on – actually, I’ve moved on! I did a little searching and found another reputable rock climbing club here in NY and have signed up there.

It’s time to finally close the door on the past and simply cherish the memories. That’s why buying the new apartment and moving out of this one is so important to me. And naturally, the issue of the baby as well.

The others in my family who don’t oppose it, feel that I should go for it, ‘the sooner the better’. I realize that it won’t be easy in fact, it might even be more difficult for me than for my brothers who are all married so there’s two parents to raise the kids. I’m not scared of going it alone. I’m not worried about the sleepless nights or constantly being on diaper duty; I’m not bothered about saying goodbye to my clubbing days for a while, I don’t care if I never see another joint again.

It will be worth it.

In all honesty, I think what really scares the people who oppose the idea is the fact that I won’t know who the father is. Maybe, if it wasn’t a case of ‘Donor Number 1, Donor Number 2 or Donor Number 3’ it wouldn’t be such an issue. If it was something like Nik getting me knocked up – I think they could handle that.

Yes, there are risks involved. I seriously doubt that the sperm donors are going to fill in those forms being completely honest. ‘Yes, both my parents and my sister died of cancer’, ‘I have a rare case of having seven toes on one foot and three on the other’, ‘I have only one testicle and three nipples.’

It’s the luck of the draw, I guess.

Anyway, it’s something I’m looking forward to and something I’m thinking about doing in February or March of next year. (Note to my darling James here, I suggest you come to visit before that or you could get stuck with me and morning sickness!!)

Harry and I are having a blast! Since he moved back to NY, it’s been fabulous!! I’ve missed his dry sense of humor and his wit. It’s fun! Sebastian says we’re like ‘peas and carrots again’ (guess who recently watched Forrest Gump?) He’s probably one of my best friends. It’s strange how one day, you suddenly realize how much you’ve missed someone. It’s as though it just hits you – out of the blue.

This concert of sorts that we’re going to on Friday is of a small band that he was a part of until he moved back to NY. So, they’re his old band-mates and guess what? We have backstage passes!! So awesome! I feel like a groupie!!

With that in mind, I have to remember that there are still a few work days in between and they will require me to work my ass off!! Sometimes I feel it’s such a drag. Sometimes I feel like rolling over and trying to sleep for the rest of the day rather than going to work.

Oh yeah!! That’s another thing – my insomnia is less! I’m sleeping better (ie. I’m sleeping at least two hours a night now) which is AWESOME!!

I’m calmer – I don’t feel rushed or get aggravated by the slightest thing any more. So, all is good and  as we near the end of the month and set out to begin the month of my birth  –  OMG!!

 

Gotta go!

I just realized something!!

Post again later!!

 

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I love my job! Really I do, but at times, my job sucks!

It sucks because – it takes up so much time from my daily life. I mean, think about it, for a second, ok, you go to work and spend the next 8 hours with people you don’t necessarily like; doing something that (at times) you feel is a waste of goddamn time; for people who (at times) are fucking rude!!

>SIGH<

But, such is life. We have rent and utilities, bills and insurance, food and (yeah, this is important) clothes to pay and to buy. You don’t work, you don’t pay. Simple really but – man!!

What I wouldn’t give to be able to take my laptop to the roof of my building (where the communal garden is) and simply sit and watch porn to my heart’s desire!!

Oh, OK! I was just kidding! Seriously, I was kidding! Well…

Yeah, yeah!! I was kidding!

But, just to be able to sit and write, to be able to read and comment on what all my buddies have had to say for the past – I don’t know – three fucking weeks without being rushed!! I miss WEbook, really I do. I miss the interaction. I miss having some time to myself. This partner bullshit isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

 

Oh, yeah – that’s what I wanted to tell you guys ages ago. I made partner!! Isn’t that cool! It’s what I’ve wanted since I started working here at the ‘firm’. It’s what I strove for, what I wanted. Now, however, it’s such a drag! I have to ‘dress the part’ which is boring, I have to sit in on all the meetings that take place when we think of hiring or firing someone, I have to give that jackass in my ex-rival department work orders to execute and he looks at me with an expression of, ‘What if I don’t want to? What are you going to do then?’ look on his face.

That last little bit was sorted easily when I got him alone in the men’s bathroom (I was pissed, OK) and told him to either man up and take the work orders I give him and actually execute them with the due diligence that they deserve, or he could go and clean out his desk and fuck off.

Ahhh, I love the power!!

I’m just kidding! No, wait – I really do love the power! HAHAHA!!!!

I won’t abuse it though!! I’ve worked too long and too hard to have it taken from me because I went on some damn ego trip!!

 

OK, so, I’ve been lax in my posting and in my commenting and in my reading and in life in general! I haven’t been to the movies since – I don’t know when, I haven’t gone out to dinner in weeks and my love life is well – NON – FUCKING  EXISTENT!!!

I do have a few silver linings in my cloud build-up:

1. A darling friend of mine could quite possibly be coming to stay with me for a while for New Year. If not, well… OK. But, it is something to possibly look forward to!! I already have so much planned that we could do! I was even looking at kilts on display in a window the other day… Need I say more?

2. Another dear friend of mine, Harry, has invited me to go to Boston with him for this weekend!! He thinks I need a break and I think he just wants some company! We’ll be attending a concert of sorts on Friday and spend Saturday walking around, Sunday doing I don’t know what before we drive back on Monday morning!! Wow, that reminds me – I have to start packing!!

3. I’m thinking of buying an apartment; a two storey, four bedroom, two and a half bath, walk in closets, open-plan kitchen-dining- lounge room, study and pantry apartment because – well, I’ve been thinking about adding to the family. Adoption has come up but I was thinking more along the lines of ‘sperm donors anonymous’.

 

Oh well. So that’s what I look forward to.

Gotta go again, will post again soon!!

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A 35 Year Sentence!!!

Posted: September 16, 2011 in Family Dynamics, Lovelife, Musings

I’m going to jail!!!

OMG!!

OMG!!

OMG!!

Apparently, what I did was wrong but – who knew?

I sure as fuck didn’t. Well…

I mean really! Dancing naked on your own balcony can’t be such a heinous crime, right?

It isn’t.

And I’m not going to jail.

I bet I had some of you worried there for a bit, huh?

HAHAHA!!!!

I did get a stiff fucking fine for my dancing though!

$1500 for ‘indecent exposure’!!

WHAT THE FUCK!!!???

Seriously??!!

There is nothing indecent about my derrière and the dance moves weren’t too shabby either…

OK, so all kidding and ‘April Fool’s Day’ joking aside (even though it’s September. I’m either five months behind or seven months ahead – take your pick!)

My parents celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary recently and (naturally) it was a big event. All us kids were there and the grandkids.  Friends and other relatives (doesn’t that come out of Winnie the Pooh?) were there too and we all had a jolly time.

35 years! Wow!

WOW!!!

Now, that is a long sentence –  one that they both relish and appreciate.

It all started on a beach in LA 36 years ago in December of 1975. Daddy was studying at university to be a civil engineer and mom was at nursing school. They met at a party and (according to dad) ‘there was an instant connection’. Mom says she was a bit sceptical of dad at first but ‘he grew on me’.

According to Aunt Dee (dad’s sister) he had a drink too many and told mom, ‘I’m still going to marry you one day.’ Where by mom responded, ‘Sure and you can call me Elmo.’

It’s a family joke because sometimes dad DOES call mom ‘Elmo’. It always makes her smile.

 

So, nine months later, on a hot September morning, mom and dad exchanged vows on the same beach they met.

Nanna and Pappie (mom’s mom and dad) weren’t too thrilled about their daughter’s ‘whirlwind romance’. In fact, when the two young lovebirds told them that they were getting married, Pappie turned to dad and said, ‘If you got her knocked up I’ll knock you down.’

Pappie died shortly after my eldest brother, Sebastian, was born (three years later, mind you) so I never knew him but he sounded like one hell of a guy. He took no bullshit, spoke his mind and enjoyed life. Remind you of anyone?

So, now you know how my brothers and I came to being. It all started on a beach in LA, 35 years ago.

You also know where the craziness comes from!

Mom and Daddy have been married for such a long time, dad’s parents were married for fifty-five years, Nora and Sebastian have eight years of marital bliss, Jesse and Jasmine have ten years and Ruben and Holly have seven.

Thinking about this made me very jealous and dumped me back into feeling cheated. My shrink (yeah, I still see him) says that eventually, I’ll no longer feel cheated.

Um – yeah, whatever. I’ll always feel cheated by Logan’s death.

But, enough of that.

I’ll post another blog a bit later of what actually happened at the party that has caused me to be absent for a while.

*#*

In addition to yesterday’s four pictures (drawn by hand, I might add although, not MY hand) I decided to add one more that made me nod and say, ‘Yes, by God, that’s true!!’

 

It also made me think about how true it is for so many people.

 

Wait, wait, wait. Let me first post the pic – then you’ll understand.

 

How True is THAT!!!

 

You see?

‘I’ll lose those pesky ten pounds – I just have to start exercising.’

‘I’ll write that best seller – if only I could find the perfect opening sentence.’

‘I’ll go and talk to that gorgeous man/woman – I just need a great ice breaker to start me off.’

 

Sound familiar?

It sure as hell does for me!!!

 

How many golden opportunities have slipped through our fingers because we don’t get started on something? Because we hesitate? How many times have we missed out on making great memories because we first think and ponder, we wonder and worry about what the outcome will be instead of simply reacting?

 

 

‘Look before you leap’

 is a quote that comes to mind here.

It basically encourages us to stop and think, aka, NOT GETTING STARTED!!!

Yes, I concede that it implies you ‘think’ before you ‘act’ but – it’s hesitation.

 

‘How much of human life is lost in waiting.’

That tidbit comes from Ralph Waldo Emerson and it is profound, right?

Another, even more significant quote that made me gasp is one by Sam Ewing –

‘On the plains of hesitation bleach the bones of countless millions who, at the dawn of decision, sat down to wait, and waiting died.’

What more can I say?

*#*

Have You Ever…

Posted: September 2, 2011 in Music, Musings

…woken up in the middle of the night with an urge?

An urge to listen to Alice Cooper’s song ‘Poison’?

I have. And I did.

I got up, searched the apartment for Logan’s Alice Cooper CD and put it on.

Such bliss…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qU2nCgQGVo&NR=1

You gotta love  the lyrics of this song.

Your cruel device

Your blood, like ice,

One look, could kill

My pain, your thrill

I wanna love you but I better not touch

Don’t touch

I wanna hold you but my senses tell me to stop

I wanna kiss you but I want it too much

I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison

You’re poison runnin’ through my veins

You’re poison, I don’t wanna break these chains

Your mouth, so hot

Your web, I’m caught

Your skin, so wet

Black lace, on sweat

I hear you callin’

and it’s needles and pins

I wanna hurt you just to hear you screamin’ my name

Don’t wanna touch you but you’re under my skin

I wanna kiss you but your lips are venomous poison

What makes someone write something like that?

Is it – profound?! I think it’s sheer fucking genius!!

Seriously – is it lust?

Is it envy?

Is it hatred?

Or, is it a warning bell that goes off in your head when you fall for someone?

TING!

TING!

TING!

TING!

DANGER!!

DANGER!!

DANGER!!

BACK UP!

BACK UP!!

BACK THE FUCK UP!!!

Why is it that sometimes a song is released that ‘speaks’ to you?

You know what I mean, right?

I’m talking about that song that makes you nod along and think, ‘I know exactly how that feels’, ‘I know exactly what he/she is talking about’.

This got me thinking…

I will be posting about songs for a while, mostly rock (I think for the moment at least).

Don’t get me wrong, I still love Lady Gaga but – I’m also tired of vagina music for the moment.

Next up –

Meat Loaf’s ‘I Would Do Anything for Love’

Imagine a soft, sultry voice saying this next part:

‘So, stay tuned to ‘A Nightingale’s Blog’ for more rock songs, baby.

Peace.’

*#*

Incentives…

Posted: September 1, 2011 in Musings

I think I may have started something with a certain aardvark. Not that I’m complaining, darling, you are more than welcome to lay your bagpipes in my apartment.

I’m just wondering – what are incentives?

Incentive (as defined by Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary) is:

something that incites or has a tendency to incite to determination or action

Examples are:

  1. The rising cost of electricity provides a strong incentive to conserve energy.
  2. The government offers special tax incentives for entrepreneurs.
  3. The company is offering a special low price as an added incentive for new customers.
The Origins are:

Middle English, from Late Latin incentivum, from neuter ofincentivus stimulating, from Latin, setting the tune, from incentus, past participle of incinere to play (a tune), fromin- + canere to sing — more at chant

First Known Use: 15th century

Hmmm…

So, incentives are good things, right?

Not being able to sleep (due to coffee intake) is a good incentive to stop drinking coffee, right?

Not having a pair of shoes to match my DAZZLING new outfit is a good incentive to buy a new pair, right?

Having rough skin, chipped nails and scars on my hands (from rock climbing) is a good incentive to get a manicure, right?

Having a dear friend (who you would really like to meet in person) live a million miles away is a good incentive to buy a fucking plane ticket, right?

Perhaps I should give said good friend an incentive to come visit me, right?

Is this good enough?

My Love of Music Involves All of Me

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh! I’m such a naughty little bitch!

Now James, darling, if you were to bring along a kilt………

*#*

Pet Names – Part 2

Posted: August 31, 2011 in Musings

My previous post about pet names got me thinking.

Now (I don’t mean to put you on the spot here, James) but this post involves you.

Why? Because, I call James (http://aardvarkian.com) ‘darling’. Which according to my previous post, is a pet name.

Is this a bad thing?

No!

James is a very dear friend of mine, one that I would very much like to meet one day.

Why am I posting this?

I only feel that it is fair that all who read this and don’t feel it necessary to leave a reply, know that, I don’t care what YOU think!

These ‘no-reply readers’ are those of you who call me ‘flirt’ and ‘seductress’ in your ‘personal’ emails to me, detailing how I should ‘change my ways’ and ‘prepare my soul for Heaven’ – um – why? Are you coming after me? In that case, bring it on, baby!

 

If I want to flirt with James (which I do – shamelessly) I will.

If I want to call him ‘darling’ and talk about my pink handcuffs, leather and lace outfit and my bridle and whip kit – then I will.

This is who I am – it’s what I do!

 

Is it wrong of me to do so?

Is it wrong of everyone to flirt and give others pet names?

Is it a ‘mortal sin’?

Flirting never hurt anyone.

It’s the way others perceive those flirtations that’s the problem.

A married man who goes after the girl who flirts with him at the bar for a bigger tip is a fool. Just because she flirts doesn’t mean she wants you to fuck her, OK?

It’s the same for that sexy, handsome, rock-hard ass assistant in Jimmy Choo on Fifth. OMG!! Talk about a gorgeous man! Do I flirt with him when I go in to see the new collections? Yes – but not because I want to sleep with him.

Pet names aren’t a bad thing – it’s a sign of affection and I have plenty of affection for James.

 

Such is life.

 

 

So, to all the ‘nameless’ critics out there – I will continue to do as I please, thank you very much.

Grow up and get over it.

 

*#*