So, yesterday I posted about a whole lot of random things –
James’ possible impending visit in the new year!
The partnership I’ve worked so long for!
The new apartment!
The possibility of a baby for me!
Such great things!! Life is grand, isn’t it?
I look back at the past two years and I see so much change.
I see and feel my doom and gloom after Logan’s death, I see and smell my times of drunken abyss when I looked deep, really deep into the bottle, I see and joyously feel my addiction recovery (now, it’s only an occasional shot or four of tequila), I see the growth that I feel and I feel free to show that growth.
I’m excited about what the future holds, I feel happy – really, really happy.
I think – content is a better word.
Yeah, I’m really, unbelievably busy at work but – I like it!! I like being busy, I like feeling like I’ve accomplished something at the end of the day when I go home. I love packing!!
Yes, baby!! That’s right, I’m moving. I’m saying goodbye to the home I shared with Logan for four years, I’m saying goodbye to all the lingering memories – both those that haunt me and make me want to cry and those that haunt me and make me want to laugh out loud.
I’m letting go. Really letting go this time and – it feels amazing!
I feel free! I feel lighter and happy and full of life again! I feel like I’m capable of doing anything, accomplishing anything, overcoming everything!!
I also told my parents, brothers and sisters-in-law about my baby plans.
It went down with mixed emotions!
Some feel that I should wait a little, that I should ‘make sure I’m not rushing into something that will have a huge impact on the rest of my life. A child is for life, Andi. This isn’t something to be taken lightly.’ And I haven’t taken it lightly. I’ve been thinking about this since Nik and I broke up – even before that. Maybe (and this I confess to you) I was kind of hoping that Nik would get me knocked up. Now that would have been something! Something seriously fucked up!
If you guys only knew. You see, Nik and I – we weren’t exactly ‘soul mates’. What we had was more – physical than spiritual. In all honesty, it was doomed from the get-go. I was just too fucking stubborn and needy to admit it. That, however, is all in the past. I’m moving on – actually, I’ve moved on! I did a little searching and found another reputable rock climbing club here in NY and have signed up there.
It’s time to finally close the door on the past and simply cherish the memories. That’s why buying the new apartment and moving out of this one is so important to me. And naturally, the issue of the baby as well.
The others in my family who don’t oppose it, feel that I should go for it, ‘the sooner the better’. I realize that it won’t be easy in fact, it might even be more difficult for me than for my brothers who are all married so there’s two parents to raise the kids. I’m not scared of going it alone. I’m not worried about the sleepless nights or constantly being on diaper duty; I’m not bothered about saying goodbye to my clubbing days for a while, I don’t care if I never see another joint again.
It will be worth it.
In all honesty, I think what really scares the people who oppose the idea is the fact that I won’t know who the father is. Maybe, if it wasn’t a case of ‘Donor Number 1, Donor Number 2 or Donor Number 3’ it wouldn’t be such an issue. If it was something like Nik getting me knocked up – I think they could handle that.
Yes, there are risks involved. I seriously doubt that the sperm donors are going to fill in those forms being completely honest. ‘Yes, both my parents and my sister died of cancer’, ‘I have a rare case of having seven toes on one foot and three on the other’, ‘I have only one testicle and three nipples.’
It’s the luck of the draw, I guess.
Anyway, it’s something I’m looking forward to and something I’m thinking about doing in February or March of next year. (Note to my darling James here, I suggest you come to visit before that or you could get stuck with me and morning sickness!!)
Harry and I are having a blast! Since he moved back to NY, it’s been fabulous!! I’ve missed his dry sense of humor and his wit. It’s fun! Sebastian says we’re like ‘peas and carrots again’ (guess who recently watched Forrest Gump?) He’s probably one of my best friends. It’s strange how one day, you suddenly realize how much you’ve missed someone. It’s as though it just hits you – out of the blue.
This concert of sorts that we’re going to on Friday is of a small band that he was a part of until he moved back to NY. So, they’re his old band-mates and guess what? We have backstage passes!! So awesome! I feel like a groupie!!
With that in mind, I have to remember that there are still a few work days in between and they will require me to work my ass off!! Sometimes I feel it’s such a drag. Sometimes I feel like rolling over and trying to sleep for the rest of the day rather than going to work.
Oh yeah!! That’s another thing – my insomnia is less! I’m sleeping better (ie. I’m sleeping at least two hours a night now) which is AWESOME!!
I’m calmer – I don’t feel rushed or get aggravated by the slightest thing any more. So, all is good and as we near the end of the month and set out to begin the month of my birth – OMG!!
I just realized something!!
Post again later!!